A New Year…
When I first started Motive Nation, it was because I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to pay it forward to all the people who reached out to me, shared their personal stories of triumph and glory– of hardship and of character.
I did my best to keep as busy as possible so that I would avoid wallowing in my own self-pity, so I wouldn’t focus on the Olympics and not being there, and well, I wanted to prepare myself for what would happen next, whatever that would be.
I worked away at trying to motivate others while also keeping myself motivated to get my knee functioning the best as possible. I juggled two business courses, Motive Nation, my art, and my knee rehab. I ran from reality for a bit– until I had a few pretty intense therapy sessions with the FCRosengard Sports Psych.
I’ve never taken short cuts. I actually think I’ve been injured this often because I don’t know when to stop. There is always an opportunity to train more, to get the little things right, to be better. I’ve also prided myself in my character. I’ve always attempted to take the high road, work on my patience, practice kindness in all situations, and sometimes it worked out and sometimes I got burned.
For months I struggled with what I deserve and what’s fair. The thing is, no one owes anyone anything. Just because I put 14 years of my life into the national team didn’t mean that I deserved being there anymore than anyone else. I created this entitlement for myself because I was doing all the right things. Doing the right thing, though, if you are really doing it right, isn’t about getting anything in return.
What I know for sure, especially after this year, is that nothing is guaranteed, minus death of course. For years death has been something I have feared. When I was in elementary school, I would come home bawling with this pain in my stomach that I created all on my own. I would build up this situation in my head where I would lose everyone, and then I would slip away into the darkness. It haunted me for a long time, and still, if I catch myself thinking about death, I get that same pit in my stomach. I’m an atheist, so I think when we die, we die. That’s it. Sometimes I wish I believed in heaven, but then I think that fear reminds me to truly live.
My concept of fear and failure have changed dramatically in the past year. Just the other day I was staring at a box before doing box jumps, and it was higher than any one I had done before. There was a sting in my stomach and an uncertainty in my legs, and for that split-second I remember thinking this is what it is all about. I quote Muhammad Ali over and over, “If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough,” because it’s true. I’ve been at my best before games when I’m a bit scared, and I open my heart and go for it anyways. P.S. I made that box jump, but it made me think, “How many times has fear stopped me from pushing my boundaries?” You see, I, like so many, have been deathly afraid of failure. For as long as I can remember, it has been a part of me. I read book after book on successful people, self-improvement, being your best self, and there are a few common threads, and one of them is the way we see failure. These people who have “made it” see failure as a natural step on the path of where they are going.
If you have read any of my blogs, you would know I get caught up in comparing myself to others and am often competitive to a fault. I love soccer. Moving around on the pitch, throwing my body in front of a ball, and that moment of fear and courage that fills my heart, there is nothing like it. What I lost somewhere along this journey was that that is the greatest gift.
My goals in the next year will be to live it up and learn as much as I can, but most importantly, enjoy the ride. To quote the handsome James Dean, “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.”
I’m going to remove my filter and attempt to not always be the polite Canadian. I want to be real. That’s always my number one goal. I also want to be relatable and reachable.
My beautiful wife will help me with regular blogging. My business partner Betty will make sure I don’t drop the ball like I did the months of November and December, and I will have more interviews coming your way (January’s is awesome. Trust me!) There will be book reviews, book suggestions and themed Periscopes where I can answer your questions. I will incorporate Living legends and legends that have passed, nutrition tips and awesome recipes, some more free downloads, suggested podcasts and Tedtalks. We are going to go for it! I’ll share some of my secrets to personal success and what has helped me along the way…
This will be a process but that’s kind of what it’s all about.